thediastema's Diaryland Diary

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Regimen.

So, you've decided, effective 13 January, 2003, that it is time to put your hormonal menace on "Crush Probation." Good for you. You are taking an important first step towards actualizing an identity independent of being obsessed with some dumb guy or other -- the self-reliance for which you've thirsted since you were five.

You have selected the three-month program. For an overview of the probation in effect,

Old Moneybags has until his next birthday to seduce you. In the ridiculously likely event that he fails to comply, all feelings of attraction will turn into apathetic pumpkins effective 13 April, 2003.

Since pumpkindom, to which you aspire, is so lofty a goal, it is best to take the next few months to approach it gradually, in steps. You have proven yourself incapable of quitting cold turkey, or at least capable only of misery when you do. (On that note, you could really go for a smoke right about now.)

Here is your syllabus. Please study it carefully; if you have any questions, don't hesitate to remember that the answer is always "no."

January

• You are permitted to continue fantasising like a jackass, but all fantasies must incorporate more verisimilitude. For instance, your new fantasy might include several minutes alone in a room together discussing benign topics like cars and dental health, and might end with him sighing with boredom and bolting for the veggie tray. Or you might delve even deeper into your shared past and daydream about him asking what your last name is, then trying to make small talk, then having to take a phone call.
• When you see him at Copenhagen, deliberately ignore him, making a big show of paying everybody else you know tonnes upon tonnes of attention -- you know, just like old times. It would help if you both bring guests of the opposite sex. You don't have to actually date them, necessarily. It'd just help.
• When his name comes up at the office, make liberal use of words and phrases such as "spaz," "overprivileged brat," "dweeb," and "that boy ain't right."
• Dye your hair blonde. Regret it for the first few days, then embrace it until the commitment scares you into matching your roots again.
• Cut all your fingernails down to the quick. Play more guitar.

February

• Continue caring, secretly, what he thinks, but start caring in reverse. Work on that dangerous ridge in your driver-side safety belt. Think about taking up smoking again. Hang out with Dimples as often as you can bear it. Stay funny, but now be funny at his expense.
• Get incredibly enthused at the prospect of somebody, anybody, setting you up with somebody, anybody, even people who will bore you in every important way.
• When you find yourself compelled to tell a funny story about him or acknowledge the mention of his name, envision yourself being feasted upon by maggots in little pink tutus. Accompanied by the music of Yanni. On national TV. That should do it.
• Remember what Mum always said: rich people are clueless and evil. Tape this mantra to your mirror. Tape another sign to your mirror that says "Objects in mirror can have any man they want...who isn't a photographer."
• Cut your toenails down to the quick.

March

• Give Dimples a birthday present signed "Love Always from your #1 bestest good friend who would never ever ever ever deceive you about anything, least of all having the hots for the same guy and an utter lack of conviction." Then Give Pelican a birthday present signed "For a guy who should be canonized for calling Yuppie a 'dick' and a 'SoCal wannabe.' ACK! MAGGOTS! PLEASE HELP ME STOP THE MAGGOTS!"
• Put DOWN the wistful mix tape and drive AWAY from the upscale neighbourhood.
• Sure could use a cigarette.
• Start tapering off the fantasies altogether. Fantasise about money, or things money can buy. Other than motorcycles.

April

• Stop caring what he thinks.
• Stop calling him by the nickname nobody else uses, even in the third person.
• Do not ever condescend to pour him another free drink. Make Al do it.
• Get application materials together for comedy workshop.
• At the stroke of midnight on 13 April, toast your success with something potent.

~~

Also, Dimples grabbed my ass tonight, right in front of the guys.

I am starting to notice a pattern.

~ETK

"I will tell you my real new year's resolution: I have decided to counter any and all criticisms directed towards me by relating my behavior to something Einstein did. If someone calls me lazy, they're going to find themselves on the business end of a 5 minute anecdote about how Einstein was seen as lazy because he didn't do his laundry. If someone calls me smelly, I'll tell them about how Einstein used to carry about 2 cloves of garlic with him at all times, to help him think." --that other Andrew. Not that there was a first Andrew.

01:32 - 15 January, 2003

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