thediastema's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A sketch co-written with She-Kev McParallel. Dear Master, The bulk of writing credit for this sketch belongs to Heidi. I just transcribed and threw in a couple one-eyed-man jokes. For all PR purposes, fine. Heidi and I wrote a sketch together. If something makes you laugh, it's probably hers. Formatting glitches and spelling errors are entirely my fault. ~~ (because we saw his car) Bill Protagonist is having a nightmare in which Columbo pursues him in a big bird that turns into a Cadillac. Bill is tiny underfoot. Meanwhile, in reality, he tosses and turns in bed until he finally bolts upright, panting. His wife Melanie stirs and wakes next to him. MELANIE: What�s wrong, Bill? BILL: It was terrible. I had that dream again -- Peter Falk! Riding that damn bird! MELANIE: Maybe you should start seeing a therapist. BILL: I can�t even sit through a damn Columbo episode anymore! MELANIE sighs and turns on the nightstand lamp. CUT TO int. Protagonist kitchen -- day. PROTAGONIST family sits at breakfast table; little JERMAINE and LaTOYA PROTAGONIST are practically goring one another�s eyes out, but if Mum and Dad notice, they�re not saying anything. MELANIE blankly overloads her tea with sugar cubes. JERMAINE: LaToya, I�m going to mail you to grandma! LaTOYA: MOM! MELANIE: Nobody�s mailing anybody to Grandma. The old bat�s dead anyhow. BILL pours himself a bowl of Other People�s Teeth cereal, barely acknowledging it. He looks again at the box -- a double-take -- and the cereal is now Columb-O�s. He jumps in his seat. MELANIE: (Continued, putting down spoon.) Dear? BILL: He�s in the cereal. HE�S IN MY CEREAL. THE BASTARD�S IN MY CEREAL! (Tosses bowl to the ground, flies from his chair, knocking it over [maybe deliberately] and he runs out. All the rest stare after him. The cat struts in and helps herself to the spilt milk. MELANIE: Morning, Duchess. CUT TO Bill in EXT. DRIVEWAY -- DAY. He tries to collect himself and sits himself behind the wheel of his auto, making a deliberate effort not to look at the car itself. He gets out onto the road. CUT TO Bill on EXT. INTERSTATE -- DAY. He turns on his car radio, numbly. Sister Golden Hair is playing. He follows along, humming, then adding occasional words, sometimes screwing them up; he tries to harmonize and fails. A feather floats by his head, unnoticed by Bill. The song ends and the radio cross fades it into the theme from Columbo. Bill�s eyes widen. BILL: O, no. He tries every trick in the book to change, turn off, or kill the radio, but to no avail; the feed stays loud and clear. Then a pair of creepy, Falk-esque hands reach over the back of the driver�s seat and clamp over Bill's mouth. Before he can react... PETER FALK: (V.O.) Guess whooooo? BILL: (Without a trace of terror; totally absorbed in guessing, says his choice of something unintelligible.) Mgggmfwbbalp? PETER: (V.O.) O, shit. (Comes into view; covers Bill�s eyes.) Guess -- ? BILL screams. Car swerves all over the road, avoiding collision by some miracle. BILL: What do you want from me?! PETER: Pull over! BILL: Can I at least check my blind spot? (Peter uncovers one eye. Bill pulls over, being sure to signal.) PETER: I�m going -- to KILL you now! A pan reveals that Peter has a parrot/myna/parakeet/midget on his shoulder. BIRD: Rrrrrawk! Gonna kill you! Gonna kill you now! BILL: I heard it the first time. (Submits.) PETER kills BILL by removing his glass right eye and bludgeoning BILL to death with it. This takes a while. PETER then pulls a Lisa Frank notebook out of his coat and adds a tally mark to a sheet on which seven already appear. ~~ Obviously production's on hold until we can talk Melissa into training the animal for us. ~ETK 19:32 - 14 October, 2001 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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