thediastema's Diaryland Diary

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100th Entry Goodies!

Master presents:

The 100th Entry Extravaganza!

Sponsored by The Foley Catheter. The Foley Catheter: when you're here, you're family!

I used to think that sooner or later I'd be sued over this ridiculous running "Foley Catheter" gag, but then I realised that well's going to dry up long before anybody with a dynamo legal team comes upon this diary. Comforting thought, eh?

~~

In honour of this momentous event, we bring you another self-centred self-parody:

The thediastema.diaryland.com Drinking Game!

I'm going to make this a little different from other drinking games out on the internet and recommend that anybody who actually engages in it (and who's going to? I mean, really? And in what universe?) substitute coffee for booze.

My reasons for this are as follows:

• I am not a teetotaler, but I know plenty of otherwise fantastic people who are, and would hate to offend their temperance-loving sensibilities. (Wink.)
  
• If you lack access to 5.0 beer, the use of beer is silly; if you live in Utah, the use of beer is comparable to the use of tapwater with a little halfassed addition of food colouring and downright pointless. But I've crammed these loyalties down people's throats before.
  
• I don't want to be sued should somebody actually attempt this and cause an accident or die of alcohol poisoning or aspirate his own vomit while he's passed out precariously balanced atop a flagpole.
  
• I've been in SLC so long that coffee strikes me as rebellious enough, and the quantities I drink make it the logical choice for a game of reckless irresponsibility and tasteless excess, such as this.

So coffee it is. If you use vodka, conveniently dispensed from a percolator pot just to be cheeky, well, more power to you, but I didn't advocate it in any official means, okay?

~~

When you're reading this diary:

Take a sip:

• Whenever Erin mentions Dave Foley or The Police
  
• Whenever Erin mentions Hamilton
  
• Whenever Erin discusses her cats
  
• Whenever Betty gets an electroshock treatment
  
• Whenever Erin discusses ExBoy, Theo, Nick, Four-Eyes, Paul, or anyone else with whom she's been romantically entangled or unrequitedly infatuated

Take a hearty gulp and bulge your eyes out, just like Dave Foley:

• Whenever Erin mentions a blood relative
  
• Whenever Erin accuses someone of being too "impressed with himself"
  
• Whenever Erin follows up a whiny, depressing entry with one that's meant to be funny, but sort of falls flat
  
• Whenever Erin describes a traumatic experience as if it were a cheerful recap of a scene from a Time Life Video of "God's Greatest Bloopers"
  
• Whenever Erin accidentally uses someone's real name instead of that person's alias
  
• Whenever Erin speaks ill of Utah, its politics, its drivers, its air quality, or its dialect
  
• Whenever Erin mentions a brand of clothing
  
• Whenever Hamilton has car trouble
  
• Whenever Erin covers both Saturday shifts for a coworker
  
• Whenever Pixie gets angry, Frisky watches Erin bathe, Licorice has a series of mood swings, or Planck gains weight
  
• Whenever Erin mentions she's out of coffee beans
  
• Whenever Erin vomits
  
• Whenever she passes out
  
• Whenever she's deliberately ambiguous and doesn't quite pull it off.

Drain your cup (of coffee, right? Yeah, I trust you!):

• Whenever Erin mentions something that could be really critical to the rest of her life and never follows through on it
  
• When Erin goes out socially with friends or even gets so much as a phone call
  
• When Erin mentions being awake at any time between dawn and noon
  
• When Erin writes an entire entry about events long past, in the present tense
  
• When Erin makes an obscure allusion to a Kids in the Hall sketch, or, if you were never a KiTH fan, what appears to be an obscure allusion to a Kids in the Hall sketch
  
• When Erin includes links in the text that have nothing to do with the subject at hand.
  
• Whenever Erin mentions Chekhov or goes to her voice lesson.

Drink the whole pot and spend a day in Erin's world:

• Whenever Erin shows up late for work
  
• Whenever Hamilton gets a tank of petrol
  
• Whenever Erin gets a paycheque
  
• Whenever Erin waxes sentimental about hearing devices
  
• Whenever Erin has to ride an unstable elevator with a decrepit utility cart in a puddle of an old woman's vomit
  
• When Erin attends an event at her old high school

Pull out your heart and pour strong coffee directly onto it, just like Bruce McCulloch in--oops, that'd be a KiTH reference:

• Whenever Erin gets laid
  
• Whenever Hamilton gets an oil change
  
• Whenever Erin TALKS to a guy who makes her salivate
  
• Whenever Gimp arrives on time for work
  
• Whenever Erin leaves the Salt Lake metro area for any length of time, for any reason
  
• Whenever Erin acquires a readership large enough to spawn multiple variations on this drinking game

~~

Anybody still standing?

~~

Anybody still reading?

Well, thanks, you. This draws to a close Volume II.

Love,

~ETK

04:07 - 17 May, 2001

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